In Order to be Loved, You Need to Learn to be Hated First

In Order to be Loved, You Need to Learn to be Hated First | Mindset Daily Podcast

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So a couple of years ago. I was flying back from Florida to California visiting my dad. And sometimes when you're bored at the airport, you go into those the convenience stores or they got all the magazines and whatnot and. Now with everything digital these days, it's not too often. I pick up a. An actual physical copy, like a hard copy of a magazine, but I wanted something to do on the plane. I was fine flying across the country, so I picked up. One of these business magazines and I'm tempted to say It was like business week or it was it wired? It was one of these things. And. Anyway, there was a whole section on there about. Different founders of companies and entrepreneurs and some of the quotes that they said. And one of the things that stood out to me. Was this, there was two things that stood out to me. But the one that stood out to me. Was on people who. Create things right. Create products. They the people who are afraid to fail. Never really create anything great, but the people who aren't afraid to fail. Are the people who create great things and the people who have great ideas. Are the ones who aren't afraid to be hated. And that's the one that I want to elaborate on more than anything. Which is it, which is the point of today's show. In order to be loved, you need to learn to be hated first and. This is true in so many different arenas where. That the thing to really pay attention to. Is when you fall into the rut of being a people pleaser. And you can ask yourself and we've all gone through phases, especially when we're younger. When we don't fully know ourselves are, think back to in high school or junior high, when we wanted to fit in. With a group of people, we wanted to fit in with a group of friends. We try to fit in. We try to be like them, we lose ourselves. And we try to be like the people around us because we want to impress them. We want to impress them. We want them to like us. We want to feel like we're part of the tribe, so to speak. So we sacrifice our own ideas. We sacrifice our own beliefs. In an effort to try and fit into the group. Have you ever found yourself in a situation like that where you just try to fit in? So that's one. One way, one way we try to do it, but another way we also try to do it is. We don't want to be like boat rockers, so to speak, which is we don't want to rock the boat of people around us. We don't want to create conflict. We don't want to. Create any controversy of any sorts. So we tend to just fit in, right? We want to just fit in or even better. We want to just be agreeable. We want to just agree with the people around us, because that makes it easier. If I'm agreeable, they're going to like me more. There's going to be no conflict or controversy or any kind of pushback. I'm not going to be confronted. There's going to be no confrontation whatsoever. Saul does fit in, but I'll mute myself in the process. So when we do that, though, We're losing. We're losing our identity. We're sacrificing our identity. And every single time. That we do that. Th the love we have for ourselves goes down, right? There's a level of disdain. That starts to rise. That starts to get bigger. There's almost a little bit of resentment towards ourself that happens, which is every time you want to do something, you want to say something or you want to voice your opinion on something, but don't. Because you choose to want to fit in, or you don't want to rock the boat or you want the approval of somebody else and you do that. There's a part of yourself. There's a part of your self esteem that sacrificed. There's there's a part of your identity that gets weaker. And there's a, almost like a, it's like a, not a distrust, but it's a disdain towards a self. Like we feel angry. We feel bitter that we did that secretly all because we were trying to fit in. And. It's a habit that. It doesn't just affect us in interpersonal relationships like that, but it definitely affects us in. Things like business and putting ourselves out there like great marketing, for example, is. Is something to really pay attention to, and sometimes you'll find. The best marketing campaigns are very polarizing, the best marketing campaigns that you read or watch or listen to are very polarizing. They make a very sharp point. They make a very sharp and have a pointed argument about something. That is very clear, right? Like it will push some people away and it will draw people in. And that's something that I had to learn and the reason. And the reason I bring this up is because I find myself and we all go through these phases in our life. We all just tend to go through different points of our life. And I find that whenever I start getting into. A rut, so to speak. It's all. It always starts with the way I check myself as am I going into people pleasing mode? Which is, am I just trying to please the people around me? Am I just trying to be agreeable with the people around me versus am I trying to actually just speak my voice, speak what my truth is? Whether people. Like it or not, whether people agree with it or not, whatever that is. And I find myself doing that. I find myself doing that check because the. The health of your business and the health of your personal. The health of your mindset are very interlinked, right? So if I find myself in this people pleasing mode, my marketing gets weaker. Everything around my business gets weaker because now I'm afraid to speak the truth because I'm like, look, I've got this big audience. What do I say to them? What do I say to them? And then I start thinking to myself R, how are people going to perceive this? How are people going? People aren't going to like me. If I say this, I'm going to put some people off. If I say this. That's the mindset that I go on, but I realized, and I catch myself. I catch myself right away. Whenever I find myself in that mentality and realize that the goal in life is not to be. Loved by everyone. It's just not, you're not going to please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And when you try. When you try to please everyone. That's the. Quickest path to living a miserable life. And so instead of trying to do that, or even caring for that matter, You just have to learn to speak your truth. And that's. That's the whole essence of it, which is if you want to be also truly loved by other people. You have to go out and not be afraid to offend people. You have to be afraid. You can't be afraid to go out and upset people or rock the boat. There's just, it's the fact of life, no matter what you say, there's going to be people who don't agree. That's just the way that's just the way life is not everybody is going to agree with what you have to say. The more you do that, the better you get at putting yourself out there and speaking your truth, even if people disagree, even if people aren't going to like you for it. The more self-esteem you're going to build in the process and the more self-love you'll build in the process. Simply because you are now. Rising above. The validation, the viewpoints, the opinions, the judgment of all the other people around you. And what happens in that process? Is you're going to push people away. You'll push people away from you who don't agree. Who have a different opinion. Can't stand what you have to say. But at the same time, you're also going to win a lot of fans. There's going to be people who in turn really agree with what you say, right? This is called being polarizing. This is called. This is called essentially finding your tribe, which is I can say something and yeah. Is it going to push some people away? Yes. Is it going to, is it going to pull other people closer to me? Yes, it is. Some people are gonna agree. Some people are going to disagree, but it doesn't matter because ultimately you get to choose what your truth is. And this is an exercise which not only builds more authentic. Relationships in life with people, which is you don't want to be around people where you have to be fake, where you have to be phony, where you have to just say whatever you think you need to say in order to please them. Or to appease their viewpoint. You want to be able to speak freely, right? Like I think it's so funny. That I think it's so funny. The watching people complain about the freedom of speech in. In our country and freedom of speech in general, but. I'm. I'd venture to guess that even if nevermind freedom of speech, but if people. People truly had the freedom to say whatever they wanted to say. They wouldn't say it anyway. They still wouldn't say it like. We fight that. And I probably miss worded that we do, we can say whatever we wanna say. We do have the option to say whatever we want to say. People still don't say the truth. They still can't speak the truth anyway. They're still afraid to do it because they don't want to rock the boat. There's a side there, there's a side of this people pleasing and there's a side to. Trying to fit in which sometimes it's human nature, but we have to fight against that in order to, in, in order to really become the authentic version of versions of ourself think about who you want to be, what your ideals are and who you stand for. And. Speak your truth. Just speak your truth, right? And don't worry about being hated. It literally doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if people hate you. I can tell you one thing, there's 7 billion people on this planet. There is at least one other person who will agree with what you have to say. Guaranteed. But none of that matters, right? Like you should learn to stop speaking or saying things for validation or looking for the approval. Of people. And. And. Going saying what you think needs to be said. There's an issue with that, right? Like that. Like the second you can overcome that. The better off the higher quality your life is going to be, but the more self-esteem you're going to build, right? Because the more and more that you 10, the more and more that you try to fit in. The more and more that you try to just please people. The more and more that you try to just be agreeable. The more of yourself you're sacrificing in the process. And every single time you do that, you sacrifice a little bit more of yourself until you have no more identity. If you struggle with this, one of the things to be able to do, and I'll run you through a list of things that you can do. To overcome the urge to be a people pleaser or to be agreeable. Is. Step one, define who you are, define what your identity is. I think the people who fall into this trap. And live their entire life like this, go through life. This have no identity, they have no strong identity. So they're easily swayed and they're pushed in their pool by the people around them. It's just, Hey, look, there's these people around me here. So they believe this and they say this, so I'm just going to fit in with them because I don't really have my own ideals. Take some time to define your own ideals. What do you stand for? What do you believe in life? No matter how crazy it is or no matter how silly it is, what do you believe in life? Because the stronger that your beliefs are and write these things down write them down. What do you believe in life? What are your passions? In life. What are things that you enjoy doing? What are things. That you truly enjoy doing. Write them down who cares? That you don't have to feel afraid or feel any kind of shame around what you enjoy and what you stand for. These are the kinds of things that define who you are and your identity. What are the things you believe in? How do you see the world, right? These are all pieces of yourself that make you up. And so you should never be afraid to speak those things. Even if you feel like it's going to offend other people, it's you know what? Breaking news, everybody gets offended over everything these days for everything who cares, just move on from it. And the quicker. That you can do that. The stronger you will have an established identity for yourself. And you can start to define your identity. And here's what happens as a result is that when your identity. Become stronger. The urge to break or sacrifice your identity to appease other people or be agreeable with other people get smaller and smaller. It no longer matters as much. It no longer seems appealing. Because when your identity is strong, your self esteem is strong. Your self-confidence is strong. And you don't have to, you don't have to worry about fitting in, right? You just don't have to do it. It doesn't matter. These are issues that, that plagues us when we don't have a strong enough self identity. So we all always working on your identity, right? Who is it? And who is that person that you want to be? Define, write things down. It's one of the most powerful things that you can do for yourself in order to. Truly have an identity, but are ordered in order to truly live a fulfilling life. You have to move beyond people pleasing and saying yes and trying to fit in. You cannot be afraid to say no and you cannot be afraid to speak your truth no matter what that truth is. Even if it offends people, even if people aren't going to agree with you, but if it's your truth, speak it. There's no harm in having people dislike you. And that's it. You just have to get comfortable being hated. And that's the thing that's the other side to it, which is part two. Step one is define your identity. Step two is just. Be comfortable being hated. Be comfortable not being liked by everybody. It's okay. You don't have to be liked by everybody and not everybody has to like you, you can still operate just fine. Whether or not. People choose to like you or not, because if you have your identity defined and you have your purpose and you have your mission. Defined in what you're working on. It doesn't matter what other people think. It really doesn't. It really doesn't. And I find this. I find this characteristic. One of the characteristics, the people pleasing characteristic is one of those characteristics that holds people back in life. It's one of the big ones. It's definitely one of the big ones that really holds you back. The people pleasing. Th that the people pleasing. Side of you is something that truly stops you from doing what you want. Like sometimes you just you want to leave your job. But why would you leave your job when that would offend your friends? And they would question you and your family. So why would you do it? Because you want acceptance from them and you don't feel like they're going to accept you. If you step outside the box. Why are you afraid to start? Your weight loss journey? Because you've got a lot of friends that you eat chicken wings with drink, lots of beer. Eat junk food all the time. You feel like you're going to lose some friends in the process and they're not going to like you anymore. If you decide you want to go on a healthy journey, that's okay. That's okay. If that's what you want to do it. There's no reason to be afraid not to find replace the people in your life who don't support you with people who do. It becomes. Far, it becomes. A whole heck of a lot less stressful, not having to deal with those kinds of people. And the better you get at. Standing up for yourself and saying, I will do the things that I want to do, regardless of who, who supports me, what they think, whether they agree where, whether they disagree and just do it. You'll start to find. That you build a lot more self-love in your process. And I learned this, I realized like when I was trying to fit in. When I was younger back in my early twenties, I thought thing to do. And especially because what my parents were pushing was you got to go get a corporate job and you've got to go work nine to five and you got to do this whole thing. And do it for 40 years or 50 years until you retire. And then finally you can enjoy. Your life. I knew that there was something deep down. I knew deep down that's not what I wanted to do deep down. I just, I could tell, but every day I stuck with it. I realized that you know what? I like myself a little bit less because I'm sacrificing my own ideals and my own identity. To try and please the people around me versus go do what I wanted to do. And the second I left and I started to create what I wanted to create. I wanted to start my business. Online, which sounds crazy at the time. What was this? 2012, 2013 ish. And I thought I'm going to start this. Yoga business online and sell products and programs and create courses. Everyone thought I was crazy. But, you know what? That was my mission and that was my purpose. So I did it. And you know what, when I started to work on it and let me tell you something. Long before it ever became successful long before it ever started making any money. The happiness came and the fulfillment came long before the finances came. You know why? Because I knew. That I was doing something that was truly my purpose. I was working on my mission, so I no longer cared about fitting in. And when you're doing that, everything else starts to follow, right? And the more you operate authentically and close to what your purpose is or what your mission is, the easier it is to do. And the more likely it is that success follows you as a result. All right. So that's the show today. It's a wake up call. If you're a people pleaser, you're trying to fit in and you're trying to not rock the boat, don't do that. It just makes you miserable in the long run. It makes you unhappy and you sacrifice. Your own ideals and your sacrifice, your own identity to make other people happy, which at the end of the day, they aren't living your life. You are living your life. So speak your truth. Follow your own path. Whether or not people agree with you or not, you know what your mission is what your purpose is. So go follow it. All right. So that's what I've got for you on today's show. If you learn something from it, tag me in a story on Instagram and let me know what you learned. Or how you will apply this to your life and how you will stop being a people pleaser. And if it's holding you back, you can let me know. My social media is all in the show notes below the show. And as always, if you are enjoying the show, if you're loving the show, there's two ways that you can support it. Number one. You can share it with someone who you think would benefit from it. Friend, family, member, coworker, someone in your inner circle who you think would benefit from it. That's one way, the second way is to take some time to leave a review on. On the show either on apple podcasts or. On Spotify, both of those to work or wherever you listen. Those are the two ways you can easily support the show. And I would greatly appreciate that if you're enjoying it. Okay. So that being said, that's all I've got for you on today's show. Have a good rest of your day. And I will talk to you soon.